Down and Out

By Sem. Junjun Bonhayag, T1

step 10

In April 2002, I was assigned for our parish exposure in Cabilao Island, part of the municipality of Loon, Bohol. There in the beginning I experienced hardship adapting their lifestyles and sub-cultures. I didn’t have any ideas how to survive living in the island since I came from a mountainous town in Bohol. We apparently shared diverse orientation, lifestyle and sub-culture.

The island is 10 minutes drive by a boat from mainland; the mainland is another 15 minutes drive by a jeepney or a “habal-habal” from town proper; and the town is an hour drive by a bus from the city.

Indeed, at first life in the island, for me, was very thorny. There was only electricity during nighttime through the power of a single generator shared in five big villages. The whole day was nothing; the whole island was very silent and soundless. You couldn’t hear even a single sound of music from a karaoke or radio. You couldn’t watch TV and never be updated from the present situation in our society. The convent also was elevated and separated from neighboring houses. We could hardly talk with other people.

Obviously, summertime was the hottest season. But then, for them everyday was the hottest moment in their existence in an island. They lacked water system to support the whole island consumers. They only defended rainfall waters for bathing, drinking, washing, and cooking purposes. As a matter of fact, rainfall waters were not enough for the whole island. To satisfy their basic needs, they bought containers of waters from mainland weekly with high rates.

Having experienced such shortage of water and limited power of electricity, I was not at ease putting my self in their accord. The people in the convent were already at home and confident of their fate. It was enough for them to bathe once within two days in the sea. It was all right for them to use burning lights and candles on nighttime.

Throughout the whole day and night, my body was so hot and dry. I was uneasy to move then. Thus I could no longer bear the burden of uneasiness and bizarre I had for weeks. As a result, I murmured and grumbled why our SADIOSTA national officers (Seminaristang Aktibo sa Diyosesis sa Tagbilaran) assigned me to that kind of place. I really had regrets and misgivings about my fate from that exposure.

One moment all my patience and humility were being exhausted, I wanted to give up and go home. But then I strived putting myself in their lives, trying to be in the reality. All of a sudden, I realized that my experience was just a tiny particle compared to their lifetime struggle. They were greatly happy and contented of their lives with an amalgam of “sweat and sour” encounters.
In the early days in the island, I was blinded of God’s love. I was unsighted to see God’s purpose why I was assigned there amidst my imperfection. I was just looking at my own benefit, my own security, my own satisfaction, and my own reward; so, I suffered. I reaped what I sowed.

Indeed, God is love. He loves me so much. The love of His comes down (reditus); my love to God is going out to His (exitus). He really initiates the grace of love to me and I participate from His gratuitous action. It is through the works of the Trinity that I am able to recognize defeats, overcome frustrations, exercise humility, and above all embrace poverty.

Hence my worries and uneasiness were all perished. Ironically, I understood and loved them. And so, I had been bringing guilt about my pasts. With my humility, I was able to abide life situations in the island and I was able to face my own poverty. With my honesty, I was drawn to accept defeats and frustrations and was being driven towards God. With my love to God and the people, I learned reverence for wisdom beyond anything else. My entrance into one’s poverty brings a language of reverence before reality in the island and before God. My risk with that great challenge truly opened long-locked doors into the possibility of faith, increase of faith.

Because of understanding and great love, I considered myself so powerless, poor, lawless servant, ordinary man. Irrefutably, only poverty of Spirit can we draw near to God; only through it does God draw near to man. All great experiences of my life journey; poverty, love, forgiveness, work and dedication, are out in the silent of the Spirit and love. The cycles of hatred, vanity, jealousy, insecurity, and pride are in the scope of my human freedom until they are broken.

It is in my down-to-earth experience in Cabilao Island that I became strong and wit. That experience reminds me always to live well the virtue of faith, hope and love. Through these theological virtues, I am led to humility and honesty to anchor God’s loving hand and to live and love well the challenges of the gospels.
Only God can turn a mess into a message, a test into a testimony, a trial into triumph, a victim into a victor. In Him alone is my life; in Him alone is my soul; in Him alone is my strength; in Him alone is my hope; in Him alone my glory; in Him alone is my everlasting glory.

To be honest, among five parish assignments, Cabilao Island was the best!

Christ's Encounter

By Sem. Junjun Bonhayag, T1
Step 9

As far as I know, revelation is the foundation of all-Christian life and theology. Revelation is vital because without it, we can’t exist. Thank God for bringing us into the universe. His gratuitous act is manifested and meant for the salvific plan. He reveals out of love and trust to us. He wants to invite us so that He could receive us to enter into fellowship with Him, thereby sharing His divine life and nature.

His revelation is done by deeds through His creative and redemptive act, by words through His commands to his apostles and interpretations to events. Indeed, revelation is already but not yet…already fulfilled the salvific plan, but not yet since it is a dynamic and continuing process for a lifetime.

Revelation of Christ has been a stumbling block in different ways to different cultures, people, and places. Hence, some do not see and appreciate God’s revelation – some are blinded, some have delayed acknowledgment to God’s revelation.

Like the life story of my friend before he went abroad and worked in one of the famous factories in Korea. He owned almost everything in this world. He belonged to a wealthy and dignified family. He enrolled and earned a degree at Xavier University in Cagayan de Oro City. After his graduation, he worked in Manila with high ranking position. He had abundant possessions such as cars, jewels, much wealth, and the like. He was blessed indeed with comfortable way of living together with his wife and child. He could afford almost everything.

At the peak of his glory, God was just secondary for he was busy entertaining worldly possessions and assets. At some point of his life, he was drowned to bad influence by imprudently using his possessions. Out of curiosity, he was tempted to embrace immorality and illicit under-the-table that moved his life into darkest path. Because of wonder, he tried to taste and use drugs that seemingly ruined his ethical life. Consequently, he received the prizes of his action. He was put inside the rehabilitation center for months. His two cars were damaged. His health was affected.

With all these things happened in his life, he stopped for a while and reflected. He opened up his heart listening when Jesus was calling and allowed his mind to comprehend Jesus’ messages. Indeed, he was converted and back to his new way of life praising, respecting and serving God. As he strived to pay what he had done, he gave up what he had before and embraced the call to holiness and faithfulness under God’s wing.

Last December 2005, he decided to leave his family in the Philippines and risked his life abroad as a renewed person. During our chatting in the internet few weeks ago, he said that he usually spends 3 hours a day praying and thanking to the Lord for saving his life from danger, and for the forgiveness of his sins. For now, he enters religious organization in Korea.
I was interested to play a part of his story because it was greatly touching and enlivening. I was engrossed to relive his Christ’s encounter since it was a good reflection to me and to other curious readers.

It was really a real conversion encountered by my friend. His delayed appreciation of the Divine revelation collaborated with happiness-suffering-glory. He is happily working abroad though away from his family.

I hope his conversion may serve as a good lesson for us. We shall not condemn him for what he had in the past rather we shall thank him, for his conversion reminds us of our weaknesses, which inclined to sinfulness. His encounter with Christ is unique.

Truly, God is good. God justly punished those who disobeyed His commands, but by His mercy He forgave and never abandoned. Instead He led us to the right path and gave us glory and eternal life. Because of His compassion, He saved us by sending us His only begotten Son.

The Experience of Spirit

By Sem Junjun Bonhayag, T1
Step 8

For modern psychology, anxiety is caused by severe psychic conflict due to exaggerated sense of terror. This drives a person to behave in an abnormal way. For Rudolf Bultmann, anxiety is what we call as existential anxiety which means an objectless fear. It is being afraid of something without knowing what it is. He calls it existential anxiety because it belongs to the structure of human existence. It is an anxiety universally experienced by all human persons regardless of their status in life. It is an inescapable to every human person.

One of the reasons why we are anxious is indubitably the so-called uncertainty. We don’t know what lies ahead. We want security but in reality we are surely uncertain. We don’t have complete self-control over our destiny, decision, and any other things.

There was a time when I experienced a strange feeling – an anxious feeling which I couldn’t directly depict its vein. I was internally and externally troubled and disturbed. This feeling originated during the Second Semester’s election for general house officials in St. John Vianney Theological Seminary. The community chose me to be the Socio-Cultural Senior throughout a semester. Such sort of office is new to me. It is a quite strange responsibility which entails creativity and artistic (which I don’t have and could be the greatest problem since I was still neophyte here).

I have been taking big responsibilities during our college years in Bohol and I found them easy and comfortable. Unlike here, in the beginning I found hard holding its grip rightly, anxiously managing extreme ages – both young and adult with diverse stages of seminary formation.

December in 2005 was the hardest and busiest moments in my life in fulfilling my responsibility, for every December of the year usually befalls the seminary’s Cultural Night. Various creative and artistic socio-cultural presentations and exhibits of prowess are greatly demanded. Hence one of the highlights during that night was the Amazing Brothers Contest.

Prior to that contest, there was a little conflict between the contestants in every sub-community building. I was anxious and nervous on how to settle them so we could continue the contest. I had nowhere to go, no ideas, and couldn’t make decision. I wanted to escape from that inescapable reality. I wanted quit and surrender from that pressuring actuality. Moreover, my body could no longer absorb and emancipate the restlessness, trouble and distress within me until I got sick. I was not feeling well since external pressures shook to bother me.

I have poor prayer life…less community life during those days since I was anxious to be seen by my fellow seminarians. I was in my room staying alone in my subjectively comfortable hiding place. I experienced dryness in my priestly vocation. My life was seemingly tasteless, lifeless and useless. Sometime I forgot God. I stole some of my personal prayer hours for my personal thinking to such futile worldly pressures. I was busy entertaining and spending my time with others, and giving longer time in long conversations with my building mates.

I was allowing myself to the deception of evil. I was spending much of my time texting my friends to console my pressures. I spent some of the time going outside to ease my pain and set aside the value of reading many articles and hand outs. But then, when I allowed myself to listen the call of inner self….I was enlightened. I saw the dazzling glory and consolation. I heard the fulfilling voice of the Spirit……whisperingly commanded me to be attentive, intelligent, reasonable, and be in love….

Through my constant prayer and surrender to His helping hands, I was guided and encouraged to do such things with great optimistic, joy and confidence. The complicated and burdened events and tasks in my seminary life are just bits and pieces….light and simple.

We must allow silence and solitude in the deepest corner of our heart and mind so we can have authentic reflection and contemplation. We can also hear the voice of God within, set aside others, and we can overcome pressure and pain.

Calls of Conscience

By Sem. Jun Bonhayag , T1
Step 7

After graduating in college last March, I candidly discerned what genus of life to take until I decided to pursue my priestly vocation, though I already had an initial decision prior to that.

It is said that blood is thicker than water. In like manner, priestly vocation is, for me, thicker than a woman. So I unfairly waved my relationship to a woman, whom I esteemed for years last June in 2005, just two days prior to my entrance in St. John Vianney Theological Seminary. In spite of the fact, our relationship before was on and off brought by both sides’ insensitiveness and immaturities. Our experience of ‘on and off’ means pwede’g anaa, pwede lang pod kon wala!

I had made my waver in an informal manner. I had just texted her about my proposal without proper colloquy with her. Yeah, I presupposed it was already settled – finished and understood. Time flew. Days turned to weeks and weeks became months.

Moreover, one calm night my building mates had already putted their lights off. But I still couldn’t sleep. Even if I already had finished making our assignment in Greek and had done my personal prayer, I felt uneasy in my somewhat comfortable room.

So I went to the deserted façade of the seminary chapel and reflected thoroughly. I scrutinized and evoked the vein of that uneasiness. Ah, that was really the call of conscience. My unfathomable heart yelled for its transparency and clarity. The deepest soul knocked the door of my intellect to unfasten the chain pertaining to a certain event in my life that remained half-settled and ambiguous.

For that matter, I came to acknowledge Socrates’ idea “the unexamined conscience is not worth living” that our college professor imparted to us. Truly, the half-settled reality within me was gradually hammered by my conscience. I was uneasy because I ignored and neglected other’s importance, value and feelings.

Having reflected and accepted my discrepancy, I valiantly faced and solved it by myself and through abet of other concerned people. Last Christmas break I met and chatted the woman to clarify and settle all those things. We decided to let ourselves be freed and followed the deepest crave of our hearts. Beyond doubt I told that I wanted to focus my priestly vocation; I wanted to start living in an examined life, simply detached and seriously chose one from my divided worlds, world of priesthood and the world of marriage. What was more, the woman, whom I loved before understood and gave her way. Our relationship ended up with very sentimental self-giving and owning: from emotionally hurt and wounded to spiritually healed and cured. Thank God it was very successful.

So to speak, I had reminisced Raymond B. Cagampang’s brilliant thought, a good classmate and friend of mine in college seminary. He once said, “Life is a race. It requires an ample time for preparation because if you do not scrutinize the diverse angles of winning, the possibilities for failure are great, for you will never know what lies ahead. For every start, preparation is vital. Hence, for every preparation, conscience is inevitable.”

Truly, priesthood is not easy to live. It needs an ample preparation. It needs honesty, sincerity and commitment. It needs awareness of our orientation, of the presence of our divided world, of the various forces, desires, values, spirits, and the like. Otherwise, it will be a lifetime of floating, flirting, and fleeing without any directions soon afterwards. And so, it must be generated here in the seminary formation.

If one is committed and faithful to his chosen vocation, the strive of letting go such secondary priority is possible. Take a look at a paradigmatic life of Albert Martinez as narrated by Dolly Ann Carvajal in the Entertainment section of the Philippine Daily Inquirer on Valentine’s Day. Albert had done so many unforgettable things for Liezl throughout their 21 years of marriage. But what means the most to her was when Albert turned his back on everything and gave up his show biz career even when it was at its peak just to start a life with her from the bottom, with all the uncertainties. He did not mind, as long as they were together. They had no maids in the US; they did everything on their own. Albert worked as a gasoline boy and was paid $3.20 per hour. He persevered, just so he could provide for Liezl and their then unborn child Alyanna. He also worked as a baker even if he was allergic to flour because of his asthma. Once he had a severe attack at work and almost died! He could have had a life of luxury as an actor in the Philippines but rather chose to be with Liezl.

Albert had no doubts and without a second thought of going beyond by striving all he could for the best of his chosen vocation; and so, he could faithfully and fairly serve the responsibilities in his family as a father and a perfect husband to Liezl. He followed the call of his own heart. It was very touching and convincing. And that is it! Albert is worthy to be one of my models, an archetype in my life journey. Because of the love, fidelity and commitment to my priestly vocation, I followed what the call of my heart was by letting go my girlfriend and going beyond what matters most.
Yeah, I have been discerning always. Thus my discernment teaches me how to listen to the call of my deepest heart. It teaches me recurrently how to be prayerful and it also assesses my feelings and my values in an ordered and disciplined way. Through constant surrendering to God, my discernment leads me see and choose which of these options (priesthood or married life) are most conducive to embrace now and always.

Hence, the openness of heart and following the call of conscience helps me freely decide, reach my dream and brings me closer to God, our one and only end and purpose in life. For now, I honestly experienced the great solace and tranquility in my heart. I am happy and comfortable responding and living the seminary formation concurrently praising, respecting, and serving God our Lord.

The Prize of the Wondering Mind

step 6

(The mind that seeks for meaning, wrestling with the many ‘whys?’ of existence)
By Sem. Junjun Paña Bonhayag

Last January 2005, I went to Tagaytay City for the theological entrance examination at St. Augustine Major Seminary. I was a bit excited since it was my first ever chance to step in Luzon borough. Due to time shortage, I was forced to board Philippine Air Lines. On our way to Manila, I was enchanted by the panoramic view of nature: the clouds, the oceans, the mountains, and the people. My mind's eye could really see the freshness, the beauty, and the richness of nature – the evergreen lands, the blue oceans, and the clusters of stratus clouds. I saw and spotted engrossing things below and above the sky.

After an hour, we landed at NAIA. But indeed I was a bit flabbergasted! I could not believe – hindi nakapaniwala.. Was it true? I stopped for a while and glimpsed at the amazing variety of people there. There was, indeed, harmony and unity.

We drove towards Tagaytay City and arrived there at night. The cool breeze of the air warmly welcomed me. Whew! In the following morning, I took the chance to roam around the city since the examination would just start in the afternoon. At the peak of a tourist spot, there I saw Taal Lake (Volcano). At the foot of the mountain was the splendid beauty of the Chinese and Mexicans; at the middle was the boisterous laughter of the balikbayans having their typical gathering: eating, singing, chatting. There was great unity and equilibrium among others, the economy of beings.

Who made these things? Who brought these beings into existence? Who efficiently caused and moved their laughter, their splendid beauties, the richness and freshness of nature, the instant transportations over and above them? If something began to exist at some point in time, then there must have been a cause for its existence. If something shows evidence of being planned in some way, then there must have been someone to shape that plan. For that reason, it must come from something. He must be absolute and necessary. Yeah, these were but tacit thoughts within my consciousness and soul.

Ah, no wonder it is God! God brought the universe into existence with system and order. Dynamic bodies do not clash against each other because they observe a certain indispensable law. Normally, abnormalities of the order may ridicule us or produce distractions. Water cannot spring from the tip of a matchstick and clouds cannot produce annihilative debris simply because things have their own place to fit in. Each occurrence has a suitable place and an appropriate time. Despite the complexity of the universe, over and above, there is regularity, uniformity, and harmony.

The wonder of my wondering mind arrived at an ending point. My wonder rests in the true God alone, who is invisible to the eyes of the body, but whose existence is known to us, and whom we shall contemplate as He is when we shall be clothed in incorruptibility. His existence is evidently well known in the order of the universe.

The Heart's Hunger

step 5

(The heart that follows its hungers, staying with its restlessness, waiting until the time is ripe to say ‘yes’)
By Sem. Junjun Paña Bonhayag

Every human being has his own past and every past has its own story. The story of my life started when a man and woman were called to become one body in the intimate relationship in life and love at Immaculate Conception Parish, Catigbian, Bohol in 1970’s. And to say so, in the race of millions of sperm cells towards the ovary, only one would survive for human life to exist. I came into existence on the 3rd of September 1983.

My childhood years had been chock-a-block with historic bits and pieces – for having a life that was mixed with happiness and sadness, love and hatred, wellness and suffering. As a weak and sickly child, my parents unwaveringly took good care my health and security.

Over and over again, they brought me to the health center for regular check up, and the most awful one was when they confined me to the hospital for more than a week. Some members in our family circle, except my parents, were already hopeless about my health situation. Despite my pneumonia, my much-loved parents enthusiastically continued their unalterable support.

I could still remember the sympathetic feeling of a true mother and the incomparable safeguard of a genuine father during my agony in the hospital room. The caresses and compassion from them psychologically increased my vim and vigor. Such crisis or pain that shook our whole lives served as the awakening to the submerged restlessness that was always there along our way. The great hungers of our hearts insisted on being heard and freed. To its accord, time flew, and hungers rested on the hearts’ unfathomable happiness when I recovered and normally breathed back.

From here on, I was overwhelmed with great euphoria. Amidst the desolation (heart’s hunger for emancipation from the bondage of sickness), there followed a plain consolation (proximate satisfaction). I was so happy that such sort of sad experience in us steered to an open, loving and united family. We, in the family became close and intimate.

I was still young when my parents introduced me to the church. They always brought me when they attended Mass on Sundays. Having reached the age of maturity, I was influenced by my classmates to join some religious activities in school and in parish. As a freshman in our parochial school, I entered church organizations called Knights of the Altar, Youth For Christ, and Parish Youth Ministry. Moreover, I joined some school organizations also for I was delighted to serve in that way. That really opened an angle for a new good start and widened the horizon of my consciousness.

Fortunately, God gave me good life and healthy body. My childhood experience was very different when I stepped on this chapter of life. Having noticed this strange fortune, I prudently grabbed the opportunity. More than this, I became a gung ho athlete in school, competing in various places with diverse long distance runners. The heart’s hunger within me for so many times was overshadowed with great fun and elation.

When I reached second year high school, our parish priest and at the same time school director offered me the option of living in the convent. Living in the convent, I became acquainted with priestly life. It was in this encounter that my desire for priesthood progressed. There I learned simple and complicated things. I was taught the spirit of service and leadership and gained depth values. I was jubilant. The hunger of my heart was crammed with satisfaction and fulfillment.

Having been victorious and pleased, the desire to priesthood slowly diminished. My mind was diverted to other concerns. I wanted to avail of the scholarship for the athletes offered by some colleges and universities. I wanted to take Bachelor of Science in Marine Transportation in PMI Colleges. I also wanted to join PMA in Baguio City for I had a little background about military discipline from our CAT experiences.

There started my confusions and doubts. My mind wondered; my heart starved. I was caught in a dilemma. I was wandering with nowhere to hold fast on. I was like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour but could not find one. I grumbled and moaned. I already had something in me but then was not enough to fill the weary and thirsty soul – my hungry heart. I wanted to have an ultimate end to my endeavor but I could not. My road was an everyday troubled with hunger at various important moments. Every so often this phenomenon strikes at times of shock and distress. Now and then, even in the core of vast happiness, I experience a strange sense of limitation and of longing for something that gives more lasting gratification.

Only when I met some seminarians from various seminaries having their campaign in November 1999 that my heart’s hunger began to be filled. I came to appreciate the hunger deep in my heart. It was a hunger for God. So with the desire to follow Christ, I took the entrance examinations to Barnabites Order in Manila and Immaculate Heart of Mary Seminary in Tagbilaran City, Bohol. Thank God I passed all the requirements from the two minor seminaries prior to my entrance.

Now I am happy living in the seminary for at least 6 long years. I am blissful entrusting my whole life to the desired shape, the seedbed of priestly vocation. I graduated my college in Immaculate Heart of Mary Seminary last March 2005. Presently, I go on with my studies in St. John Vianney Theological Seminary, Cagayan de Oro City.

My heart’s hunger rests eventually in God alone.

The Parish Priest's Note

(Article for PEnglish Class)
By: Sem Jun Pana Bonhayag


Having traveled from a neighboring town for more or less 45 minutes, I arrived at the convent safely. There I was delighted by Christmas decorations in the church plaza and inside the convent. So, I stopped and glanced for a while with great fun. Delighted and captivated by such brilliant various lights, I was very proud of the parish priest’s creativity and leadership.

After I had placed my bag on the table, I saw the door of the parish priest’s room open. So, I peered in to check if he was inside. I noticed he was not there. I found a note on his reading table. I read it. “MY DEAR PARISHIONERS THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR EVERYTHING.... I HAVE DECIDED TO LEAVE MY PRIESTLY MINISTRY. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME!”

All of a sudden, tears fell from my eyes and my knees began to shake. I rapidly felt weak. My hands could not hold the paper anymore. I started to feel dizzy. My surroundings looked blurred and black.

I had no more strength to stand; so, I fell on the ground. In a few minutes, a sacristan came to me and helped me. He brought me into the guest room. He provided me with blanket and pillow for me to rest for a while.

Having relaxed for almost an hour, I recovered gradually. I had a normal heartbeat and had gained strength. Then, I was asking the sacristan where Fr. Manny was because we needed religious service from him. The diligent and helpful sacristan replied that Fr. Manny went to the Bishop’s palace to ask permission from the Bishop about his decision of leaving the priestly ministry.

After I had known the decision, and of course, the situation of my priest son, I was upset and distraught. I went home since it was already 8:00 in the evening.


Note:
The visitor was the parish priest’s mother. Fr. Manny, 35, was the only son to her 58-year old mother, Aguaviva. For now, Fr. Manny has 2 kids to Jinky, Pac (3) and Man (1).

from false self to true self.....

step 1

Socrates’ doctrines tell us that man can know things with truth and certainty. The human mind is a storehouse of truths waiting to be developed. The mind is pregnant with conceived truths, and its concepts, need only to be brought to birth (like recognizing and realizing). Then man will have true and certain knowledge fitted to all his needs. Hence, man must know and aware what is in his mind, his own self, and he will be wise.

Accordingly, the first escape features the movement from a false self, imprisoned in negative attitudes, to a true self, generous and alive; this means patience with the shadows, until one is able to be still and be in touch with deeper feelings.

For almost 23 years of existing in this modern world, I have encountered several dilemmas in my own false and true self. With these, I came across with various conflicts and troubles against my own self, against my friends, classmates. Our ideas and personalities clashed. I hated others’ creativity, principle. I got jealous with others’ achievements and progressions. My indifference worsened to the extent that I did not believe and respect some of my elder brothers and superiors. I have indifferent relationship with the Lord for I turned away from Him. Prayer was just secondary to me and competition became the primordial focus. These realities which happened during my college years in Bohol were still fresh in my mind. These taught me in many ways to live what my ‘world’ calls, to strive towards what true self demands, and to believe in what faith teaches and seeks.

For many years, I was imprisoned in negative attitudes. Thus, I have less relationships, less friends. My negative attitudes blocked my potentials of becoming a good person, good friend, good classmate, and effective seminarian. I was not able to break up my shell, purify and filter my attitudes. I was not able to reveal my hidden self so that people would not be hesitant to approach me and that my ideas would conform to others’. Hence, I really had inner struggles. Though had a smiling face, I did not know what to do, for I did not know who am I, for I did know where I could set in my ideas, for I did not allow myself to know other things. Truly, that time I wanted to quit in the seminary because I doubted. Only when I put these things into prayer I was able to reflect, look and listen to all my personal issues.

During my reflection, great Socratic precept, “know thy self”, filled in my mind. To know everything is to know first our own self. It is very hard to know and discover other things apart from us if we don’t have enough knowledge and awareness in our selves. We must be aware of our inner selves: our heart and mind. We must surrender ourselves: own and know our self-limitations, faculties, and talents, etc. because by owning and knowing awareness gradually follows. We can accept and affirm things. This we did not expect to happen. With this we can surely extend and transcend our false selves (covered with negative attitudes) to true selves.

My life those times became so miserable and complicated because of the lack of true knowledge and awareness. Gradually, today I know how grateful I am, for I am able to liberate and transcend from my false self, after examining the inconsistencies and limitations within my inner self.

Self-awareness is important in our lives, that is why in the seminary formation CONSCIOUSNESS EXAMEN is highly encouraged and practiced. It is an avenue for us seminarians to converse with God, reflect and examine what we have done in the past, what we do this time, and what are things to be tackled in the future. Thus our existence in the seminary will be generous and alive. Though I have already gone beyond my false self, I must still strive for more awareness and knowledge through patience with my shadows and obstacles until I am able to be still and be in touch with deeper feelings.

artificial world.....

Step 2

We are now living in this world where modernism’s system obviously governs. The existence of modern technology and advanced sciences have brought gradual or even sudden change of the world’s system. There come instant realities and artificial means of living. As a result, our modern world embraces business and competition.

From here on, business and competition shape human’s consumption and self-satisfaction. In this regard, it is not enough to learn a little. One must be wise. One must strive to excel in order to survive the competition; otherwise one will perish. Indeed, advanced sciences’ existence made people become more knowledgeable and progressive. Reality provides us with Do’s and Don’ts in our business world. Technology facilitates communication and works. Moreover, one author says that everything that exists is good. Of course, the presence of advanced technology around the world is purposively and intentionally made ‘good’. Thus, this is helpful and advantageous.

Hola! On the other hand, what we see and observe today is indifferent and contradictory. The presence of such realities are good, but sad to say, some of us have bad execution and adoption. This results in a chaotic world. There exists abuse of “instant and artificial realities”. Advanced sciences provide and provide instant transportation, communication, understanding, meals, etc. But too many abuses of such realities put us in vain. We are too imprudent with helpful and advantageous things that come our way. Indeed, this consequence deeply affects our being. Our lives are extremely changed, from simple to complex. Imprudent and discontented, we want to grab and own everything. This truly happens because we are now used to possessing and practicing artificial and instant realities. Our personal wants increase in the world of system, world of business, etc.

So, we are now perturbed by these things; artificial, modern, instant, etc. We are now busy focusing on earthly and artificial demands, but forget to entertain the natural and authentic demands of being genuine Catholics. Even I allow myself to be deceived of these realities. Artificial means in this artificial world are pitfalls for me many times for I wanted this to happen also. I gave extraordinary time to such artificial things to the extent that I broke the relationship with God. I gave less time to prayer while entertaining extraordinary time with useless things such as computers, radio, cell phone, and etc. So truly my faith declines along the way.

Now that I know, I must strive to live in accordance with what an authentic person should be: having a simpler life, more contemplative, and find more alternative community for support. I must also go all-out with what I learn and believe about God. Yes, it is alright to avail of the world’s competition, but one must see to it that no one is sacrificed. I must remember that all these things are coming from God. I must have strong faith in living this artificial world. My faith must not be of less value and priority. I must be dependent always and cling to the Mighty One: to serve, reverence and praise Him.

i am the question, God is the answer...

Step 3

As inquisitive beings, we always ask questions. Question has been, or is part of our existence. Hence, the act of questioning is the beginning of something and from which that “something” begets knowledge and certitude. Question gears us towards possible answers. Where there is question, there is an answer. One evolves and becomes progressive through the power of question. Philosophy originated in Greece because of question and wonder. Behold! People, nowadays, are evolving and progressing through the supremacy of question, or even wonder.

As one of the questioning beings, I have embraced several queries of which some are already answered and some are still to be answered. My own little world is decked with interesting and disturbing questions. The “who and why” always call for their attention. For example, who brought and caused my existence here? Why is it that some are handsome while others are not? Why need to study particularly in the seminary? Why there is a need to have an ad experimentum schedule? Why is it that some teachers or professors have no mercy to their students, or even give unjustifiable grades? These are some of my juvenile questions. On the other hand, there come my serious questions about my present status in life. Why does God allow evil? Why are there calamities in the world that killed thousands of people? Sometimes deep in my heart, I asked myself, “If God is good, why does He allow us to suffer?”

Indeed, I have been trying to test the absolute goodness of God through question. Does God really exist? Sometimes, I am seemingly convinced of some German scholars who once say that God, or the historical Jesus is just a mythical narration, or even “God is dead” by Nietzsche. Sometimes I am inconsistent. Hence, my faith declines. These are products of my affection: because my heart dominates over my body (without allowing logic and reason to enter).

As read the book of Gallagher, I was so touched and ashamed. He emphasizes that the truth about God can never be grasped from an external perspective, just as stained-glass windows cannot be viewed from outside the building. Indeed, God remains unseen. But He sees us.

Our life towards God (who is good, mercy, love, so on and so forth) entails actions. We will not just embrace and focus on it from here. We will also go there. We must allow ourselves to transcend and not to stop questioning only to find out the real meaning of our search…truth about God. We will use our questioning power in seeking understanding in order to believe, vise-versa. If we aim for metanoia so that we will arrive truth about God, we will go over the pursuit of certainty to the pursuit of understanding.

Yes, questioning is one of the irreducible beginnings in attaining truth and certainty of God. But it must be in accordance and neutrality of heart and mind to avoid too much extreme. Mind has reasons which heart does not know, vise-versa. Just as imagination has reason which affection does not know, vise-versa.

Indeed, I am the question, God is the answer. God speaks to an open heart and mind. God answers (our questions) to a sincere and faithful heart and mind.

immaturities and wrong notions of God...amidst adversities

STEP 4

My seminary life is fun and decked with multifarious events that make my life rich and alive, full of passion and hues, which manifest life’s abundance. Such abundance remains veiled and barren if it is not shared and fulfilled in my action. Thus I must share all these things to other people.

For almost six years of studying and living in the seminary, I would say that life is very exciting and challenging. I have come across ups and downs. Life is a chemistry of agony and joy, love and hatred, suffering and happiness, and anxiety and satisfaction. These make my seminary days rich and alive.

Last January 2005 was a very unforgettable moment in my college life because the closing stage of my philosophical studies was fast approaching. I was excited, though busy. I was so busy reviewing and studying in preparation for our comprehensive examination in philosophy on February. I was perturbed and tired with lay outing and editing our seminary yearbook to be published and released on April. Besides, I was courageously striving and trying my best, so that all would be possible at the end. I had never regretted and surrendered for I believed I could manage and handle these along the way. Indeed, I was so happy and alive, full of inspiration and dedication.

One day, a bitter reality shook my way. I got sick seriously; so, I was confined in our seminary infirmary for three days, and was transferred to the hospital for another three days. Life inside the hospital room was not easy even if precious foods and fresh fruits were being served. It was very discouraging and disappointing. To some extent, I had truly blamed God and had strongly challenged His omnipotence.

Utterly, I had become an atheist and skeptic at that time. I had begun to doubt and wonder if He was truly Divine and powerful – if all the abstract ideas of the philosophers-theologians were real and sufficient enough. Usa ka higayon sa akong kwarto, nakapangutana ko sa akong kaugalingon kong kinsa o unsa man gyud ang Ginoo. Dayon niadtong higayona ang Ginoo para nako usa ka “punisher, judgemental, hostile and selfish.” One time, while inside my room, I asked myself who God is. At that time, God, for me, was punisher, judgemental, hostile and selfish.” I had truly blamed God and had strongly challenged His omnipotence. I was doing well in the seminary formation. I was trying to be an effective seminarian…living prudently in the world as a good son of my parents. But WHY GOD?

After such days, I returned to the seminary and attended my classes. I was happy again sharing and accompanying with my co-seminarians. I had thought that my discouragement and disappointment would end there. I was wrong because another embarrassing and appalling incident shook me towards my dream. Some of my formators questioned my entrance into the seminary. Dili daw ako ang nagkuha o nag-take sa akong entrance examination sa milabay’ng tuig Disyembre 1999 sa seminaryo. Tulo ka rason ang ilang gipagawas: dili daw akong agi o penmanship ang naa sa test papers, klaro nga dili jud daw ako kay adto nga panahon nag-apil kono ko’g competition sa Provincial Meet sa Tagbilaran City, ang spelling sa among baryo dili insakto kay J ang akong gigamit nga H man unta sa Haguilanan, apan pwede lang ang Jaguilanan.

I was very frustrated and depressed during those days. I could not take those foolish questions. I was hurt; so, I cried alone in my room. Again, I had truly blamed God and had strongly challenged His omnipotence. I had so many questions and regrets. I asked God why He allowed those things to happen to me extremely and successively. God, for me, was a punisher, a judgmental, hostile, and selfish God. Those events really affected for the rest of my stay in the seminary

Zealous and dedicated to become a priest someday, I had fought them not in a rebellious way, but by solving those things in complying with all what they had wanted: concrete evidences like persons, documents and etc. So, I had tried to prove that what they thought was erroneous. Honestly and sincerely, I was really the one who took my entrance examination on 1999. It was really the fruit of my endeavor. I had brought and presented to them all the needed things. Then I was thankful to God that at the end I was victorious. Truth really prevails!

I was really ashamed of my childishness and immaturities. I was not able to transcend towards the greater horizon. I kept on blaming my innocent God. Now that I knew and realized as I grow more and become mature, unexpected adversities and calamities that shook my life are inseparable. Sometimes, I am an inconsistent Roman Catholic believer. I really have immature faith in God, have not yet fully grown. If surrounded with various challenges and attacked with adversities in life, my faith declines. My tendency is to directly turn away from God, blame Him as much as I can, and consider Him as a punisher, judgemental, selfish, and hostile.

I really believe in Michael Paul Gallagher’s idea that to fight false gods is a waste of energy. We need to exorcize those childish deities-through skills of scripture, through dialogue with others about faith and unfaith, and ultimately through the transformation brought by prayer. Prayer is the best medicine for our soul. Through constant prayer, I have overcome all the challenges in life.